WHEN to adjust our relationship

How to know when the “sandbox” needs tending…

On Wednesday, I started sharing some insight into a simple and profound element of the human experience— the relationships we have with all aspects of our lives.

(CLICK to read that first installment and then get back over here!)

Uber-famous relationship expert, Dr. John Gottman, studied couples and found that at a minimum (or when navigating tough times), they needed to be engaging positively with each other at a 5:1 ratio.  Five positive interactions to one negative interaction.  Since he is such a smart guy, let’s expand the use of this ratio.  If your thoughts, beliefs, interactions, emotions about a thing in your life are more negative than one in every five, it is a good sign to check-in and look around a bit: that sandbox needs cleaning.

More interesting to me, his research showed that couples who were properly thriving and building a healthy relationship, the ratio was more like 15:1.  That is, there is a big difference between a relationship (with anything) that is growing and healthy vs. surviving.  Three times the difference, in fact.

Let’s look at some varying examples. 

I love cooking and eating, as well as consuming for fuel and pleasure equally.  After the long winter of less activity than usual, I’ve added a few pounds that haven’t been there for a few years or more.  I start thinking about food and my body more, wondering what I could change and why it’s not changing as I get out more.  Every few meals, I eat a little less hoping that will be the magic trick I was missing in regaining my body ideal.  I still feel healthy, am proud I haven’t gotten sick in over a year, get out and pursue my passions and wear the same clothes I have always loved and felt comfortable and attractive in.

Looking at this example, thinking of the 5:1 ratio, how much attention does my relationship with food and my body need?  How would you rate or describe its state of health?  I’d say it needs a run-through, if you will.  It’s not dire, but there are definitely some thoughts, feelings, beliefs that need attention, healing, or maybe to be challenged.  However, it could be easily set aside if there were other very pressing priorities in that moment.  That would, though, be ignoring a relationship that would continue to shift in the background.

This example is largely personal, I have a lot of control over my interactions with food, etc.  Let’s look at one that we have less control over.

I work as a team leader and have always felt like I was given the job because of politics, not because I am actually good at what I do or leading these people.  In meetings, I am passive, uncertain, hard to follow, and can get avoidant when there is any pressure.  My team is unproductive so I work extra long hours to make up for it without saying anything.  They ask for guidance that I say I will give, but rarely follow-up.  When I do delegate to them, they are so overwhelmed it gets done poorly.

First of all, that was painful to write!  Made me think of times I have lived in a seriously junky sandbox and just let it get worse.  The interesting thing about this relationship with my team, is that some of it is coming from the outside, certainly, and still most of it is fueled by and could be altered through my perceptions.  This is where the sandbox is entirely in our control.  I have my personal sandbox, others have theirs, and mine is made up of my stuff. My thoughts, beliefs, experiences, fears, emotions.  When it comes to tending that relationship, I’ve got the keys and the instruction manual for taking care of business.  Now, to just translate the instructions…  More on that shortly.

There are other aspects that can clue you in to when your relationship or interactions with something or someone need attention and adjustment.  Think of the quality of your thoughts when you’re involved in or thinking about it; are they hectic or clear, pleasant or tense, negative or positive.  You can also learn a lot about your relationship through your body, the starting place of your thoughts that lead to emotions.  Is your body tense, relaxed, out-of-touch, flowing, or sluggish?  One last aspect that can be wildly illuminating – how do you feel about yourself when you are engaged with this part of your life?  Does it leave you energized or drained, curious or anxious, self-doubting or confident?  All of these subtle cues take time to attune to— to change the behavior from one of ignorance or delusion to attention and curiosity. 

Where do you see yourself in this content?  What experiences have you had noticing and adjusting how you related to some part of your life?

Stay tuned!  On Monday, we are going to be talking about how to begin making those mindful adjustments when a relationship sand-box is in a bad state.

Love!

Blake