Compassion: The Multi-Tool of Emotion

The often misrepresented, compassion.  Like mindfulness or self-care, it has become a gauzy buzzword in modern self-development culture.  And all three of these buzzwords became so popular and prominent for a reason: they are crucial elements for many of us as we “align with our true nature,” as Jon Kabat Zinn puts it.  

The folks at UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Magazine offer, from leading compassion researchers, that compassion is “the feeling that arises when you are confronted with another’s suffering and feel motivated to relieve that suffering.”  That emphasis is mine, because it highlights the difference between empathy and compassion.  Simply put, empathy is the first part, the feeling with; compassion is the motivation to move, to do something about the suffering you see.  

There is growing awareness and research around empathy fatigue.  Doctors, care-takers, therapists and counselors of all types are emotionally exhausted from the work that they do, being with and supporting the heavy emotions and healing of others.  Truly, it can be difficult to separate feeling-with someone and taking on what they are feeling as our own.  Scientists are currently exploring what they are calling Mirror Neurons.  Simply put, these neurons in our brain are strongly believed to mirror emotions from other humans so we can track those around us, like a bee hive tracks the health and well-being of its bees to ensure it is a high functioning unit.  Indeed, humans function much in the same way – tracking emotions to track upsets to the safety of the tribe.  The trouble, however, lies in the misidentification of the emotions.  Are these yours?  Are these mine?  If we are not in touch with our bodies, the source of all experience, we will confuse the emotions we are reading from the world around us as emotions that are originating in our own bodies.  

In an interview between Dr. Dan Siegel, leading neuroscience researcher, and Dr. Tara Brach, psychologist and meditation expert, and as he was talking about mirror neurons, Dr. Brach was struggling with sunlight hitting right in her eyes through the window as the sun shifted.  Dr. Siegel said, “I see your experience, some tension with the sunlight, some tension with how to manage it and be present to me.  Now, if I were not in my body, were not truly mindful, I might feel that those emotions of frustration, or embarrassment, or fear were mine as I watched you.  I might experience my own tension, embarrassment rather than seeing that as yours and moving to support you.”

And in comes Compassion, a multi-tool of emotion.

Dr Siegel, by staying present to his own body and emotions, was able to stay distinct from Dr. Brach’s emotions and offer the support of a pause in his discussion so she could make adjustments and return to the conversation, undistracted.  That is compassion, truly.  To see the suffering of others, hold it distinct from ourselves, allow it to be without judgment, and offer the extra resources you have available to the easing of this suffering.

When we experience empathy or compassion fatigue, it is a sign that we are detached from self-empathy and self-compassion.   We have over-extended our movement to support the suffering of others and create pain or suffering of our own.

Self-compassion is simply being aware of our own suffering.  Our suffering becomes compassion fatigue when we are over-involved in the suffering of others.  Frustratingly enough, like many human experiences, there is no clear, generalizable line for this “over-involvement.”  We know it when we find ourselves beyond our ability to stay out of suffering ourselves, far from our healthy functioning, or are consistently low functioning.

This is a great opportunity for firm compassion, toward ourselves and maybe others.  

There are two energies of compassion, gentle and firm.  Gentle is like giving people a soft place to land when they are already ragged from life’s hurts and aggressions.  It is a reminder that it is okay, you are enough, and this will pass.  It is a gentle hand on the shoulder, saying, “You’re doing great, how can I help?”  It is staying calm and loving when someone is yelling at you because you see they are hurting.  In self-compassionate terms, it could look like going for a walk because you’re over-worked when you had planned on a run.

Gentleness only fits into the balance some of the time. More than that, there are times when softness is “niceness;” passive, and fear-based.  Like when your boss blames you for a mistake made and you sit quietly, even buying the blame he is selling.  The natural balance to gentle compassion is firm compassion.

Firm compassion is the clear line between ensuring our needs are met and the resentment that comes when we don’t; it is the solidity that offers us space to stand, see clearly, move forward.  Firm compassion is for when we are resourced enough to fathom our full potential, even move toward it.  Being firm in your compassion means holding the line of kindness, of doing what’s best for you or another even (especially) when it stings in the moment.  Firm compassion is stretching a sore muscle, it’s not comfy and it’s very healthy. It is holding high standards: like pausing a discussion with your partner when it turns to an argument because you know they are upset and might be struggling to pause on their own.

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"Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better."
Maya Angelou

This quote highlights these two facets of compassion.  The first sentence is the gentle compassion, “You did your best for the moment, that’s all you can be asked to do.  I’m here, this is hard, isn’t it?”  The second sentence is for when the dust has settled and hearts are healing, “You saw this coming.  What would you tell Past You?  How have you grown since the last time you were challenged like this?”  It is growth-oriented and aligned with possibility and our true nature of equanimity and love of self and others.  It is love-filled honesty and openness.  

Beautifully, there is no single compassionate act: “THIS is compassion.”  Acts of compassion are only based on our internal landscape and that of the other person.  Compassion can look like asking for what a person needs, and what they want from you.  Or in saying you cannot meet that request, and suggest what you can offer in return, at that moment.  Or reflecting the request back and saying you can do that, whole-heartedly, at THIS time, does that work?

Compassion is really about the experience of co-humanity, co-emotionality, co-struggle.  We can all, if we are honest and see beyond the outer layers, relate to what another experiences.  It may look different, and still be about safety, connection, pleasure, growth, creativity, or any other basic human desire.  Compassion often means recognizing the discomfort, pain, or suffering that can arise in the pursuit or absence of these incredible human expressions.  

When we can slow our thinking and expand our feeling to include others, we are at the door of compassion.  Stepping through that door takes immense courage.  The courage to listen to ourselves and others in a way that we can hear deeply.  The courage to put down our weapons and remember, as Aborginal activist, Lilla Watson says, “Your liberation is bound up with mine… let us work together.”